We’ve been together for 10 years. It was fun and entertaining. In. The. Beginning. I attempted to hang tight to my senses but you got bigger and bigger so quickly that I became weak and eventually overpowered.
I was committed to you and only you. Every day. I ignored my life, myself. I was a programmed robot controlled by the ether that compelled me to live an unhealthy unreality. My daily routine became your routine.
I clung onto you like a junkie, getting another fix at any time of the day or night. For hours, I would give myself over to all you had to offer—and my self has suffered.
I became a friend to people I was already friends with and I became a friend to unknowns across the planet. I became an unfriend. I reunited with people I haven’t seen in eons. I’ve played more games than I ever did in my whole childhood.
I saw life through photos and videos of close friends, distant friends and unmet friends. I’ve seen births and deaths. Tears of sadness and tears of joy have gushed from my eyes. I have traveled to unknown and unseen places sitting in my chair. I was alerted of events including birthdays, holidays and jam sessions by the appearance of little red balloons soothing my Fear of Missing Out.
I’ve watched the animal kingdom conquer their prey. I’ve seen the most beautiful flowers, paintings, landscapes and drawings. I’ve read about historic events from before I was born, along with future predictions. I saw horrible, horrendous posts and hideously written utterings that made me want to smash the umbilical cord of my timeline into pieces.
My self-control got swallowed up into a book with a face. I felt nurtured in addiction denial.
My virtual life was like a theatre production on a tiny stage. I didn’t need tickets. I didn’t need to drive anywhere. I was an exclusive member of my own still-life reality. I was living on a perpetual movie reel going around and round with no escape and no end. I became a Computer Potato!
You kept me so enthralled that I didn’t notice I lost a part of me along the way.
My habitual obsession is like any pattern hard to break. Once broken, would I not be so neglectful of life itself? I’ve looked at my compulsive behavior and because of it my desire to plug into the ether is diminishing. I’ve seen myself go back to you time and time again. My mind is unhealthy. My lifestyle is unhealthy. My mental state of mind is battling my desire to be free of your possession over me.
What will I do without my habits? Will the garden thrive more? Will meals burn less? Will clearing my mind’s cobwebs open new possibilities to living?
Something is different. I’m not sure what or why. Maybe it’s because I gave my power over to you and I want it back. Maybe it’s because I want to watch life in real-time.
Maybe it’s everything and nothing all balled up into confusion. Maybe it’s because of your betrayal? You weren’t devoted to just me and my bio. You sold me out. For money. Making me feel abused. Cheap.
Is that enough for me to leave you like a broken and failed romantic relationship? Will my whole being be transformed away from you? Am I able to give up those parts of you that also tug at my heartstrings? For my own well-being? Maybe. Maybe not.