How will 2018 be different for me?
I entered the new year not knowing what I wanted for myself, at all.
I mean, I knew I wanted to establish some sort of change within my life; try something new. However, I had no idea of where to go or where to begin on my journey for 2018. I had given myself a lot of goals for the year 2017; many of which I have still not fully accomplished. So, because I left so many things unchecked from last year, I entered 2018 somewhat discouraged. I could keep writing down my goals, keep talking about them, but my implementation is what was lacking.
I was VERY excellent at talking a good talk, but I had to improve my walk.
So, what am I doing differently?
It is not that I am not capable of great things, but because I don’t believe that I am capable, I am holding myself back from so much. What I had to soon discover was that my biggest limitation was me!
DEIONA was the one who wasn’t taking that extra step to better herself and DEIONA was struggling with finding her purpose within this world because she wasn’t taking the time to step back and walk the walk that she always talks about.
I entered 2017 with a strategic list of things I wanted to accomplish for the new year—things that I wanted to get done and when the year came…I just froze. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a plan, but I soon realized that I didn’t have much direction. I wanted to get so much done, but I didn’t even know where to begin. The end of my journey looked so grand, but to start the journey was where I feel short. However, I just couldn’t realize why I was stuck.
I soon discovered I needed to work on my spirituality.
When I was 15 years old, I had lost my cousin Nathan Allsbrooks to gun violence. To handle the pain, of course, I turned to my mother; but she had no idea of what to say to me. She didn’t know how to really explain that Nathan was at the wrong place at the wrong time; that it was nothing that could be done; that he would never be coming back. However, instead of giving up hope, she grew closer to God.
At the age of 15, I didn’t understand the importance of God within my life. And honestly, I scolded God. I blamed him for the ache and pain my family had been put through and for years I was extremely angry at him.
As the number of people being stripped from my family grew over time, so did my anger towards God. I grew further and further away from him, not realizing that the distance was creating more harm than good within my life.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that my mother was right. She never forced me to come to church with her, but she always asked if I wanted to and always told me that the only way she received true healing was from giving her pain to God and letting go of the things that were completely out of her control. She knew that her faith would be her transformation; this was something that she could not handle on her own and that a greater, much mightier power was the only thing that could get her through her struggles.
This year, 2018 will sincerely be my—and God’s—year.
I’m not saying that everyone should be a believer in my God or practice the religion I do, but I know that turning to a power and spirit greater than us can make huge differences. Coming into 2018, I soon realized that I could not continue this battle alone any longer. That, to have a different year, I had to really do something different: let God into my life.
I thought that I could put all the pain and suffering in the back of my mind, and that it would never bother me again; the more I suppressed, however, the more the pain was able to sneak attack me.
I retaliated those sneak attacks with my Bible. I have used the word of God to transform me into the woman I am meant to be and lead me down the path that has been designed for me. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot I still need to work on, but I am more than proud of myself for getting to where I am at now.
I still have big plans for 2018—some from 2017—however, instead of walking the path alone, I am walking with God.